Here we are again.
Remember this: I’m NOT flaky?. Written almost a year ago.
Nothing has changed. But I found myself feeling the bite this week more than usual.
The reason, a series of non-related FB statuses. You know when the universe seems to be conspiring to point out something to you? Yeah, that.
Oh, nothing out of the ordinary. Someone wanting to do something and asking who wants to join them, name tags and all. Pretty innocent, right? A happy status, by all means. Only that I am not being tagged even though it is an activity I am very well know for enjoying.
Happy statuses about road trip to Montreal the day before. Cool. It is always nice to see your friends are happy. Only that they went to do something I love, that I could have potentially join them but I never heard about it until after they were back already.
Bitter after taste.
I don’t blame them, Of course. There is no reason why they should include me in their plans. I have missed enough events after I’ve said I’d go. Why should they think this time would be any different?
Thing is, even if I wake up feeling good, there are no guarantees I’ll still feel good by the time the event is happening, This amazing cartoon from Sara Lomas Draws of Laments and Lullabies expresses it very well!
After a while, it is so easy to just let myself fall into the wrong frame of mind. “Oh, what’s the point, I’ll just say no from the start”. “Let’s be realistic and just turn down the invitation right off the bat”
I am tired of saying I’m sorry after I didn’t show up. I am tired of feeling guilty for not going to X’s birthday party after I said I would. I am tired of having to come up with a good excuse for cancelling at the last minute.
So, again, I should just say from the start that I am not going. That should fix my life, right?
It hurts that I have to miss out. It hurts that people don’t think of me anymore when they are making the list of who should they invite to their next board game gathering, or tell about this fun thing they want to do.
And the more it hurts, the more I want to retreat. The more I isolate myself from the world.
Which only makes me miss out on more things, naturally.
It’s becomes a vicious circle. The more I don’t show up, the less I am invited, the worse I feel.
How does one explain this problem to one’s friends?
Hey, friend X, what happens is that I don’t want to go out but don’t want to stay at home either. I can’t manage to go out all the time but I don’t like it when I am not considered for the guest list. Comprende?
I mean, I can almost picture the person doing the invites. They get to my name and hover over it while they think: Should I click to invite her? Nah, she always says she’ll go but she never shows up. What’s the point? I’ll just skip her name.
All I know is that there are no guarantees. For anything. And that at the end of the day, I always wind up being alone, lonely and hurt.
Update: I am actually sending this from the hospital. As most of you know, I had to commit myself about two weeks ago because the risk of harming myself was too high. I may go home today or not. It will depend on today’s interview with my assigned doctor at the Mental Health unit.
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