RubyI have to go see my psychiatrist today.

Which means I have to do some work, prepare myself like I haven’t in a long time, not since I ended things with my last doctor almost two years ago.

Back then it was pulling myself together, checking the anger and rage I felt towards him for the ECT thing, ending the relationship cordially, making my exit like a lady.

My primary gave me a great strategy there.  He told me, “You’re a great actress, act.”

(The fact that he could see behind the facade sometimes only undermined his words a little.)

And I went in, and I was Grace Kelly in every way: calm, patient, kind, understanding. . . graceful.

In the end, I was a lady, though I often wonder if that designation should ever be applied to me.

But, in the end, I left head high, knowing I had done the right thing.

Today will involve fewer “dramatics”, in every sense — well, perhaps almost every sense.

I have to get refills on three benzos in one visit.

It will be a neat trick indeed, if I can pull it off.

It’s a psychiatric trifecta: Klonopin, Xanax, and Valium, in ample quantities each.

My doctor is no longer watching me regularly.  And he knows I have never been suicidal.  Right now I’m not even depressed, or overly anxious, that feeling broke.

But I have a trip coming up, and for many reasons, for many people, I have to have in my possession all of the tools to seem downright docile in a pressure-cooker of a situation.

Which means that, despite how I may have appeared at the last of the real appointments — and I don’t deny I probably seemed a trifle. . . low. . .

At this appointment, I need to be together, I need to be convincing, I need to be winning, I need to be responsible, I need to look and act just exactly so, and most of all, I need to be strong, to show the good doctor he can trust me and he takes no risk with prescribing large quantities of heavy-hitters — all in 15 minutes or less.

Any bets?

Addendum: I won. Triple Crown. 😉

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16 thoughts on “Preparations

  1. Boy, do I know that feeling. I hate asking for benzo refills. My psych appts are neatly scheduled during one of my more functional times of the month, so I never seem too badly off when I’m at the office. They don’t see me being as much of a liability when I show up all sharp and coherent, but they also don’t see evidence of the extremes directly either – like yesterday, when I was having a hard time following conversations for longer than about 30 seconds (SO embarrassing). Some seem convinced by dysfunction and others by functioning, so… Hope it went well!

    • Well, it hasn’t “gone” yet, I still have a few hours ahead. Usually these things are easy, or at least they used to be. When I was seeing my doctor regularly, he had no qualms about doling out whatever I told him to. And I even could have possibly done this over the phone. But I did seem quite detached at The Last Appointment, I know, so I felt it very important for me to be able to come in and show him that all was cool, and talk briefly with him about why I need these now (which he will see without the bolding).

      I know what you mean about the problem of not seeing extremes though, and I’ve learned to balance the two so the doctor has seen how bad it can be, but doesn’t need to see it when I don’t think it would be prudent.

      Plus I know what is most important to me, what I’m willing to bargain with, what he needs to hear from me, and what he needs to see.

      And if all else fails, I may go over his head to my primary. He knows I’m responsible and that when I need them, I need elephant tranquilizers to take me down.

      • Sometimes I think it would be easier if I couldn’t act the part and “they” had to see how it really is. But seeing as how there are cyclic things going on here, that’s actually preventing an accurate view into the issues. But on the rare occasion when I do drag myself into a professional’s office while in survival mode, boy do they remark upon the difference…

        • There’s a certain degree of risk involved too, because if they see you at a certain point, it becomes all sorts of throwing this, that, and the other at you all in the name of bringing you back. Or maybe that’s just me (it isn’t just me). It’s a fine line to walk, getting across the truth of how bad things can be, and I think we sometimes unwittingly sabotage ourselves in the name of keeping up at least a part of the facade.

    • I know, right? He literally let me tell him what I needed, dosing, how many pills, no argument or concern at all! And the best part is, saving the Klonopin, which is a daily, I haven’t taken any of them yet! 🙂

    • catalina, my doctor is actually very well-informed about my condition, generally. That’s specifically why I made an appointment with him when I probably could have gotten what I needed over the telephone. I knew we’d both feel better about the whole thing if he saw I wasn’t still in the very low place I had been at my last appointment. And even if I was still a little down, and chose to hide that from him, it was because I knew he would be more hesitant to prescribe a grip of benzos to me if I seemed at all depressed — which would actually be him acting very responsibly and looking to make sure he wasn’t doing the wrong thing for me, either by providing me with the tools to harm myself, or even just getting dependent on the wrong medication to numb out my depressive symptoms.

      But then, I can’t speak to the question beyond my own experience, and my own experience has been pretty compellingly positive. I’m so sorry if you’re dealing with frustrations with your own doctors.

        • Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that properly. I’m so glad yours is good. And honestly, when I first got involved reading others’ blogs, I was shocked at the horrid state of mental health care so many people endure. By and large, I have been extremely lucky, like you. Unfortunately, I have learned there is a certain “game” that needs to be played, that you need to follow the rules of to have the most productive kind of relationship with your psychiatrist, which really isn’t how it “should” be. But I am so happy you are happy with your doctor, and I wish you all the very, very best. 🙂

    • It did go very well for me, Tipsy. And I think I must be sharing the wrong things if it makes you sad to relate to them, because I am generally quite happy. So I wish that happiness for you, also. (((hugs)))

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