“Dog”

For something different, I thought I’d share a personal reflection on a piece of music that has become quite special to me.

The song is called “Dog” (by Andy Bull) in reference to the well known Churchill euphemism for depression. I first heard it as I was driving home from work in 2010. The words of this song rang so true for me … and it was the beginning of the realization that there are people who understand how it is to be me.

So bear with me as I break down my relationship to this quirky little song verse by verse …

Constantly Hounded
I know how bouts of depression can sneak up on me … I am on constant mood watch to ensure the dog doesn’t get close enough for me to smell and feel. It’s tiring! But worse than that, I can’t even feel tired without worrying that I am depressed.

This old black dog is hounding me
It waits ‘round the corner and hides in the trees
I feel the chill of something blown in on a breeze

Feelings of Emptiness
My first Canvas post was about my frustration with the pretending required to hide the effects this animal can have on me at times. It is often easier to pretend, rather than try to explain what I am feeling to those around me. I sometimes do not even know what it is I am feeling, so how can I explain it to others. There is emptiness when there should be joy, emptiness when there should be anger, emptiness when there should be fear, emptiness when there should be something else … so I put on the mask that suits best.

In the light of a cinema screen I hide
Laughing I only feel empty inside
Crying means nothing, I’ve nothing to say
I wish I could kick this old black dog away

Learning to Accept : Trying to Understand
It is not physical or something I can blame others for. It is inside of me … it is a part of me. But even knowing and accepting this doesn’t help to fully understand how something imagined can be and feel so real!

And the worst part is knowing my part in it all
Yeah the worst part is knowing its nothing at all
Oh if I can pull myself together I’ll try
I can’t explain the tear that sits in my eye

Frustration
I have tried many tricks and will continue to try them. Chemicals, exercise, sleep, diet, sketching … but the mongrel just lingers and I can never really drop my guard or relax. If my depression could be embodied into a physical object, I would destroy it without a second thought.

I try to outsmart him but somehow he knows
Wherever I am, that fucking dog goes
I’ll kill him the next time I swear I won’t fail
I’ll kick in his ribs and I’ll rip off his tail

Dealing with Thoughts
My anxiety (so disproportionate to reality) is exhausting at times and makes me tired. In my tiredness the depression can come, so anxiety begins again as I try to differentiate between tiredness and depression. The cycle repeats so often!

And the worst part is thinking it’s something it’s not
Yeah the worst part is thinking it might never stop
Oh if I can pull myself together I’ll try
I can’t explain the tear that sits in my eye

Sharing
I can’t tell you how much I enjoy being part of Team Canvas and also interacting with other blogs and bloggers. I don’t even need to try to explain it to the folk here. When I do write, there is no response of “get over it”, “harden up”, or ignorant offering of a blanket fix. Just the knowledge that others (in their own way) somehow understand.

And the worst part is trying to explain it to you
The worst part is knowing there’s nothing to do

Victory in Silence
Over the years I have been so happy for friends and relatives who have fought and overcome terminal illness and life threatening injuries. Anyone who can muster the strength to beat a terminal illness and overcome life threatening injuries deserves and receives my praise and admiration. Sadly there have also been a few who fought just as courageously and lost.
Yet very few people know I have an illness that could kill me too. No one praises me for my invisible fight and for cheating the option of death.

If I can pull myself together I’ll try
Oh if I can’t pull myself together I’ll die

So just in case you haven’t been told it lately, I want to say it here. If you have a mental illness, you have my complete praise and admiration for all you do to keep alive. You have my complete praise and admiration for living your life as best you can each day, week and month of the year and with all my heart I wish you continued success in 2013!

© Lunch Sketch and A Canvas Of The Minds 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Lunch Sketch and A Canvas Of The Minds with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Advertisement