The Not So Great Pretender

GravatarI had ideas for my first Canvas post. I wanted to tell you something good and inspiring. A grand entrance of sorts into this forum. But … I don’t have anything like that to give at the moment.

I could pretend and write here as though I am someone brave. I could write like I am a great conqueror of my own mind and offer you all of my solutions.

But right now … right here … why should I pretend? Lately, if I am tired of anything, I am tired of pretending!

I don’t want to work.
I don’t want to parent.
I don’t want to husband.
I don’t want to friend.
I’m not even sure if I want to me.

I just finished pretending to be interested as an employee moaned to me, talking in circles about genuinely trivial issues at work. I pretended to laugh with my pretentious friend last week as he looked in disgust at my overgrown lawn and asked if the mower was broken. I heard my kids talking to me this afternoon and pretended to listen … right now I do not remember anything of what they said about their day. And when I cannot pretend with my wife, I am sure she thinks the lack of feeling that comes at times from this empty shell is related to her beauty or my attraction to her.

I have so much to do at work before my holidays begin at the end of this week, but the days pass and I do almost nothing. If I can’t pull myself together over these holidays I will lose my job, my wife, any friends that remain, and any hope of a meaningful relationship with my kids.

Yes, depressed. And I accept that the last statement is an anxiety related exaggeration of what the actual outcome will be.

I am just tired of pretending. Really I am. It’s hard to move, to concentrate, to feel. It takes energy that I do not have. I want to tell people to just leave me alone for a few days (or weeks) so I can gather my serotonin again and get some sleep and tranquility in the process. But life doesn’t allow me that option, so I continue to pretend as best I can until it passes or I find a way out.

Now. About those others (at work and home) that depend on me to pull myself together …
Do they help me or harm me?
Do they do both?
Do they provide the cure and cause?

Or … should I just look in the mirror and be honest about the cause … and hope I am also looking at the cure.

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10 thoughts on “The Not So Great Pretender

  1. Your post really struck a chord with me. I have been feeling this way more often than not for the last 7 years. Everything is hard. Everything requiring effort, focus, energy (mental or physical) is such a huge and almost insurmountable obstacle. Sometimes it is a little less difficult, others not so much. But these things should be easy, not a challenge, not such an effort, not so much work. And I shouldn’t have to fake it just to get through it either. Thanks for this, its kind of reassuring to know I’m not the only one who feels this way. I hope things get easier for you, less challenging, less pretending.

    • Yes. These things should be easy and enjoyable. But at times, the work I have to put in to be just ‘okay’ at them should result in being ‘excellent’ or even ‘the best’ if I had a different starting point to work from.
      I’m not too hard on myself most days, because I accept that I am running these races with a handicap that others cannot see. I continue to run them knowing I will never win first prize and even admit having a little pride some days with the knowledge that I actually made it across the line.
      You are definitely not the only one and I hope the same for you.

  2. Welcome to the Canvas family!

    Alas, the feeling you describe is all too familiar. I’m a good pretender. Sometimes I wish I weren’t.

      • I think we all that deal with depression have learned to be great pretenders. Or at least good. And like DeeDee, I also wish I weren’t. It’s like I have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders so I have to pretend I’m OK or the world will go to hell. Or something.

        I’m glad to hear you feel you can pretend less here. That’s a good start 🙂

  3. Well, hello a and BIG welcome to you. It’s great to have you here being part of the family!

    For what it’s worth, I’d like to tell you this. For the most part of my life I felt the same or as close as written words allow to translate a feeling.

    I didn’t want to work.
    I didn’t want to parent.
    I didn’t want to wife.
    I didn’t want to friend.
    And sure as sunrise I didn’t want to me.

    I crashed and burned and guess what? The world didn’t go to hell. Eventually I got better, with proper treatment.

    I hope with all my heart you can find your way out of the darkness. And we’re hear to listen 🙂

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