I don’t want to, but I have to.
Why do I have to live?
It is very simple:
1. Because if I don’t, then my family and friends would be hurt.
2. Because if I don’t, then my mother’s sacrifice would be in vain.
So, you see, I have no choice.
But that’s not enough. When you are alive, you are required to display a certain level joy or you’ll make everyone who has the misfortune of having to be around you on a daily basis very uncomfortable.
So, on top of not wanting to live, I have to enjoy this life I don’t want. If not for me, for the sake of my family and friends.
Great!
And that’s my curse.
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A Canvas Of The Minds 
I’m so sorry you’re feeling so bad. No one can say “I know how you feel,” because no one can know how anybody else feels. But I have certainly felt in my own way trapped in this life I don’t want, and angry at God for putting me in this awful position. In my religion, one’s life belongs to God and is pretty much on loan, not one’s own to take. So that should be a suicide deterrent, right? It is, in my case, but it also makes me feel bitter, that my life is not on that I enjoy, most of the time, but I am obligated to endure it anyway. I have been told that my life is a karmic payback for misdeeds from previous lives, and that if I were to end it prematurely, then I would just have that sin heaped upon the other ones to pay back. Well, that’s encouraging, isn’t it? I guess we just have to keep on keepin’ on, putting one foot in front of the other, doing as many good works as we can, in hopes of having a better life next time. Or even, as i pray all the time, maybe the curtains of this life will be opened and the light will shine through and the darkness will be banished at last, even in this life.
You live and go through the motions because deep down, you know it’s for you and your friends and family are that driving force. As hard as it gets and as hard as things seem you continue to climb those methorphorical hills to prove you know your worth it, you know that there is an end in sight, and you will reach that end. Why? because you know in your heart of hearts your on this earth for a reason, what ever that reason may be………keep taking those steps, stay strong, and when its not strong for you, stay strong for those who love you, ((hugs)) Angel
I don’t know any other way of being but being strong. I’ve been strong all my life. I keep powering through adversity.
But sometimes I don’t want to be strong. I want to be weak and have someone to take care of me for a change. I’ve been strong since I was six and I’m tired
But what does the state of living really entail?
Pain
Is that really all we have to look forward to?
Well, no. Sorry. That’s what living means to me. But at least in that transitional state in which I live, there’s numbness that masks the pain. Sure, I miss out on living but it’s less painful.
Pain and hurt, tears and anger are part of a normal life – of course, but then there are many other fulfilling emotions. There’s beauty in the world, and there’s love, a career, goals, children, maybe, for those who want them. There’s the wisdom that comes with age. The satisfaction of learning. Science and technology discoveries. There are many things to look forward to.
Many things I can only imagine. Like a life without physical pain, the chronic kind I live with. That has to be nice. A life without the emotional pain I also carry must be nice too.
I’m so sorry you feel this bad. I have been there and never want to go back. Keep powering through and find the joy in your life. There is joy to be found, in the form of a baby, a puppy, a kitten, a tree, rain, a river. Find something to look forward to, a book you want to read, a movie to see.
I know it is easy to say these things, and much harder to do, but I’m sure you can do it.
Thanks. I do find joy in the little things. I treasure my time with my kittens. The times when I can go out and feed the squirrels and the chipmunks, when I’m near water. I love water! I read a lot, I watch movies. I dance! Dancing is pretty much what keeps me going.
I often have a desire to go to Jail. I don’t want to do any of the things that would get me there! Just want to be there. In a cell, on my own, no one to care about, no expectations, no work to do, no decisions to make, no people to please, no world to face … bliss!
I get this. To just get away from it all. I’m coming back from a long illness (pneumonia) and while I am so glad to be better, there’s something about being sick . . . at least for a while you don’t have everything else on your shoulders. And people wonder why others play sick sometimes?
Really glad to hear you’re doing better. I’ve thought about you but I haven’t been in a good place and as a result, I haven’t visited any blogs lately.
Oh! That would definitely be bliss, I agree!
I hurt for you. I wish there was some way for you to feel better. Can the family and friends you live for help you somehow?
Yes, they do. My daughter moved in with me this year and that has helped a lot. I feel bad for her though. She should be living on her own and enjoying her youth 😦
Totally understand you. I feel the same way. It’s a very horrible way of feeling – stuck in a life that you don’t want to lead.
However, I think that under it all, we do want to live. We are fighting to live. So I wish you well and all the best x
It is a horrible feeling, yes.
Survival is both an instinct and an acquired value. We all strive to live because our genes tell us so. We will all kick and fight death till our last breath because our genes. And all that has been reinforced by society telling us that every life is worth living no matter how much it sucks to live it. So, to me, the “deep down we all want to live” is just a product of combined genetics and indoctrination.
But I do appreciate your well wishes. Thank you