The anger has been building up for a while, creeping in. I’ve been so angry I haven’t been around WP for a while. My last (personal) post was a more than a week ago. A first, I think.
I haven’t been this angry in years. I used to be very angry all throughout childhood, teen years and most of my 20’s.
I’m angry at life. I’m angry at being in constant pain. I’m angry at my parents for conceiving me. But most of all, I’m angry at the doctors for keeping me alive when it would have been so easy just not to try so hard. When I was born, I was in such bad shape, the chief paediatrician at the hospital advised my mother not to get too attached to me because most likely I was not going to make it.
Ah, how easy, how sweet! Years of pain and suffering avoided. The blissful nothingness. The cold sleep of the non-living
What a cruel joke, to keep me alive, just so I could suffer for the rest of my life. Even my class mates in medical school used to joke about me being a walking Internal Medicine textbook.
It is really ridiculous how many things are wrong with my body. How many system are constantly malfunctioning.
This is not about self-pity. This is not about “why me”. This is about raw anger because no human body should be this broken. Not because it’s mine. No body (and nobody) should be forced to live, when living is this difficult.
And thus, I’m angry.
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Thanks. Much appreciated!
“I’m angry at my parents for conceiving me.”
For years I said my parents only ever made one mistake with me, and that was bringing me into this world. I don’t feel that way now, but no words about “there’s a reason you are here” will salve your anger. I know that.
I wish I could take it away, to pull out your rage like drawing heat from a burn. I know that I cannot. I want to tell you that I am grateful you survived because my life is richer for having you in it. But that is a horribly selfish thing, when weighed against all you have suffered.
I send you my love, may it help, in its way.
Thank you. Believe it or not, “there’s a reason you are here” sometimes do bring me solace. Sometimes. I think I mentioned before I have outstanding defense mechanisms. I rationalize compensate and sublimate a lot. But at the end of the day, I’m still left with pain, both the physical and the psychological one.
Blogging is the way way of rationalizing I’ve found so far. Perhaps if I write about this stuff, someone will benefit from it. You know, the old “I won’t have suffered in vain” but at a much lesser scale 😉
I hear you loud and clear. I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I wish you all the best xx
Thank you! It’s a good thing we can be here for each other. That makes a difference;
I might not have anything much to contend with other than my mental issues and weight, but I can relate. I almost died when I was an infant, too. And knowing that in and of itself is one of the few things that’s always made stay. Okay, maybe this is another way of saying “there’s a reason you’re here,” but so what? It really is lucky that I didn’t die then, so I wonder if I have a purpose I need to be here for. Sometimes I feel like I should’ve died then, but I didn’t. So I shouldn’t now.
I’m glad you think you were lucky you didn’t die. Feeling lucky to be alive must be a good feeling, no?
I – on the other hand, think it is the unluckiest thing that ever happened to me.
I often think it’s unlucky for me, too. At the same time, the fact that I didn’t die is remarkable because it defied the odds, and chances were that if I’d been born in another time, maybe even in another city, I wouldn’t have lived. So that convergence of events . . . looked at objectively, they seem lucky.
oooooooh, I see what you mean now.
Yeah, like the best example is Sparta. Or maybe just the most dramatic one. A weak, premature baby like me would have been discarded there
Oh gosh I remember feeling like this long ago and I sympathise. I don’t know if this is helpful or not but the idea that Ruby gives of the “you bless those around” type of thing I think is really helpful. It is difficult to get this right of course – living with the thought that you are there for others shouldn’t mean you are a doormat or live in continuous guilt. But if you can get the balance right, then it gives, maybe not meaning, but purpose to the struggle you live through. I’m not sure how much we can hope for than that.
If this is horribly wide of the mark, by the way, then just ignore completely 🙂
Thanks! Not off the mark at all.
I really hope I could find that balance you talk about. A lot of people choose to live their lives for others, the most obvious example being nuns, monks, missionaries, etc. Having a purpose in life helps greatly when facing life’s hurdles. I’ve had purpose before then I lost it. I’ve been trying to trick my mind into having purpose again but it’s not working. I help out. I volunteer, when my health permits. I donate when I can. I try to bring a smile to those who need it. But it is still not enough
I think some little indication of your worth and purpose with respect to others is indicated by the comments you are receiving on this post. I hope they go some way towards helping you feel it is enough…:)
I relate to having anger about being conceived. I appreciated reading this though I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way. Don’t let the anger eat you alive. For those pleasures that you find in the minute of the day, for your children. Keep reaching out SSG. We’re here to listen.
Thank you. I really helps to know that someone is listening ❤
I’m commenting not because I have anything useful to add, but to let you know I’m still here for you, recent silence notwithstanding. It occurs to me that it’s a testament to your strength that you have so much to truly be angry about and are still among folks like me who are angry about relatively paltry things. I.e., you rock.
Check your email shortly if you’re so inclined.
Thank you Sid, very kind of you 🙂
Oh gosh, I’ve been there SSG, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. There have been times when I’ve cried on my shower floor wondering how I could go on another second. Not from sadness, but from serious, deep anger.
*HUGS* Hope you’re feeling better!
Thanks. I really appreciate it even if right now I’m at a place where I can’t really take it in. Doing worse, I’m afraid