According to the Urban Dictionary
- An unreliable person. A procrastinator. A careless or lazy person. Dishonest and doesn’t keep to their word. They’ll tell you they’re going to do one thing, and never do it. They’ll tell you that they’ll meet you somewhere, and show up an hour late or don’t show up at all.
- Unreliable, characterized by not following through on agreed plans.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately (OK, fine. What else is new). But all of a sudden, I’m noticing there are a lot of events happening that I only hear about after the fact or when they’re about to happen. I see the pictures on Facebook. Or I hear someone talking about it.
I first started to notice this last year but then I had had take a leave from the team due to an injury. Then I was recovering from a major abdominal surgery, so I figured it was normal. People knew about first about my injury and then about my surgery (that I had one but not why), so naturally they assumed I couldn’t go.
But then, when I started going to the studio again, I noticed people were sort of distant.
They all Most of them said it was nice to have me back and stuff. But it was like people had moved on on me.
Then I thought about the few friends I had outside dancing, same thing.
I think I know why: People simply got tired of inviting me to things I never showed up to despite me saying that I would.
Sadly, I did mean to go to all of those things. I was excited about the events.
However, I never know how I’m going to feel on any given day. I never know if I’m going to be tired. Or if I’ll be up to being around people.
Sometimes facing people is scary. Sometimes the mere thought of having to talk is overwhelming. Sometimes I can’t even contemplate having a shower and getting dressed. Some days, those simply tasks are insurmountable obstacles.
Some other times I am OK with being around people but the fatigue is such that I can’t get out of bed. On those days I am not even able to feed myself.
But I don’t know how to tell people these things.
How does one tell someone, “sure, I’ll go if I’m feeling well enough to go”. How do I say, “Oh, I really, really want to go to your tea party/clothing exchange party/whatever but the thing is I have fibromyalgia/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome PLUS depression PLUS Post Traumatic Stress Disorder PLUS ADHD and I might wake up that day feeling lost in a foggy island, terrified of the whole world, unable to talk to people or I may be simply too tired to go. But thanks for the invitation”
I can’t bring myself to do that. I don’t feel like explaining everything that is wrong with me to a person that is just being nice to me by inviting me to a social activity.
Simple things like going to the movies, or a pool party or a BBQ. Those are things I enjoy doing. That’s why when they invite me, I say yes. Because in all honesty, I DO want to go. But then the day comes and most of the time I’m not up for doing it anymore.
It sucks, cause I know I wanted to go. But I don’t feel like going anymore. Not because I’m flaky. But because sometimes I just can’t face the world. And it sucks to be me on those days.
Yes, I am unreliable.
Yes, I don’t follow through on agreed plans.
But it is not because I’m careless or lazy. Or because I don’t like to keep to my word.
And the fact that I am not showing up to an event when I said I would, only adds to the anxiety. It makes me feel guilty and it makes me retreat even more into my den and stay away from the world. Because then I’ll have to apologize when I see those people. I don’t want to lie but I don’t want to have to explain either. And the anxiety just keeps escalating so I stay home even more.
And I end up feeling lonely. Like last night.
More: It comes out of nowhere (acanvasoftheminds.com)
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Yup … it sucks!
PLUS … the presence of people doesn’t always fix the loneliness.
PLUS … the times that you feel you need to explain the apparent “flakiness” the most are the times you least have the strength to do so.
Well … it’s that way for me anyway.
I know that one well. Thanks for putting it to words.
So frustrating, isn’t it? Le sigh
I wonder if it would work if you told people that you’d maybe be able to go and had to see? That’s what I do sometimes.
I will often force myself to go if I’ve made a commitment, then I end up hyperventilating or having a panic attack.
Yeah, I do that sometimes too. I should really do it every single time but I forget. Or I get too hopeful or something.
This is a decisiion that only you can make, but I must say that I believe if most folks knew what you’re going through, and why you don;t go to so many of the functions they invite you to, the only thing that they would want to do is hug you! I don’t have any of the problems that you describe so I’m no expert in handling these kinds of problems, but I would hope that in explaining any of this that you wouldn’t feel any loss of dignity. There may be some risk in explaining this to some but if they don’t know the truth, at least to some level of detail, of what you’re going through then how can they ever respond to you in a positive manner when they apparently think you are snubbing them? You are a worthy person and God loves you! I know you can work this out.
I don’t really ‘like’ this blog but pressed the button as an indicator of support. It must be very hard for you and I just can’t imagine what you are going through. Maybe you should see these friends and say “read my blogpost – It’ll explain EVERYTHING”. It might work…honestly, I hope you find a way through this because it most certainly sucks feeling lonely. Especially as I suspect there are many you know who don’t want you to feel alone.
Thanks. I did think of posting the link of Facebook for my friends to see but I wasn’t sure. Maybe that what I’ll do
Let me know how it pans out. Drop me a line on FB or something (I’m fairly certain you know who I am 😉 )
Lots of people stop asking because they don’t understand what you are going through and are afraid to say or do the wrong thing – until they experience it themselves. Looking forward to reading more of your posts. Best wishes to you.
Yes, I can see how it could be difficult for them to not being able to understand. I try not to take personally but it is still frustrating.
I really really can feel your pain here. I have major depression and MS. I also really really want to go to social events, and on the day I accept the invitation I’m pleased to be asked, and happy and eager to go. Yet on the day of the event, I’m not up for it, too tired, or I can’t get someone to go with me…I’ve been falling and family doesn’t trust I won’t fall down a flight of steps if unaccompanied, seems there’s always a reason I beg off at the last moment, and then I too feel guilty. And alone. Like you, last night. I can’t offer you an answer, just sympathy.
Thank you! Sympathy is most welcome. I fall a lot as well. Especially going up or down stairs. I always have to go really slow and my daughter doesn’t trust I won’t fall down either. It’s a drag
I just developed a new problem with my feet, making walking especially down stairs, difficult. Luckily the spasms don’t last too long and after a moment I can walk almost normally. I’m nothing if not adaptable! lol.
Oh dear! I’m glad you are able to laugh at it. It can’t be easy.
Sometimes I end up just turning down the invitation from the beginning. It produces the same effect – people stop asking. I too suffer from chronic pain (neuropathy) and sometimes fatigue, as well as bipolar depression, OCD (explain that at a party!), and PTSD (this one usually causes me to miss out on movies). My real friends know and understand why I don’t always go to things, but acquaintances don’t get it. I’m sure I miss out on things because I’ve never been asked, and I do get lonely sometimes. In short, I understand.
I’ve had to force myself to go to things sometimes, because the more I don’t go, the easier it is to not go, and not go again, and isolate myself, etc. I don’t need lots of social interaction, but I do need some. And it does get hard, because the last thing you feel like doing is getting up and seeing anyone. I feel like that every day before work. I’d rather just lay in bed. But once I get there, I usually feel better. It’s that first hurtle that sucks the most.
Good post. I wish you luck.
Yes, you totally got it. I’m don’t need a lot of social interaction either. I like being at home, reading a book or watching a movie or playing with my cat. But as a human being, I do need some social interaction, as you say. It’s all about balance. Being a complete hermit is not good either.
And yes, IF I manage to get out, I do always end up enjoying myself. But I don’t know how to get past that first hurdle
It is a tough hurdle. I have gone to WalMart before and left a cart of groceries because I had a panic attack about buying groceries. And I even had the money. I just didnt’ know if I should, you know? Oy.
Yeah. Le sigh.
Boy is this familiar… I usually force myself to go if I’ve made a commitment. Lately I’ve learned how to cancel when I’m really and truly not up to it.
Sometimes I feel so guilty about cancelling, that I can’t bring myself to do it. Which only makes it worse, of course because then I’m just being rude