Today was wonderful for me. Just really amazing. Nothing particularly special happened to make it that way. It actually started out fairly distressing. But I put that aside, got up, and made myself all pretty because I was going to the hairdresser. I love to do that, put on some lovely clothes and jewelry and makeup when I’m going to get my hair done, because my stylist always makes my hair so fancy that I want to feel beautiful all over.
And despite the unpleasant start, I had an amazing, wonderful, fantastic, lovely, thoroughly enjoyable day. I noted on facebook that it was one of those days where I loved the world and the world loved me.
And a response by a friend of mine prompted me to write this.
Because people with mental illness, especially those with bipolar disorder, I think, and especially especially those who are of an artistic bent often complain about medication “flattening” them, taking away their creative nature, causing them to lose the highs and joy that they used to have. And trust me when I tell you that I know from my own experience that this is a very real problem. I wouldn’t hesitate to term it an epidemic in the community I referenced (bipolar and artistic). Which isn’t to say it doesn’t happen in other subsets of mental illness. It happens in all of them. And it’s one of the most frustrating feelings in the world.
When you’re in that flattened state, you tend to feel like you have only two options.
- Option number one: You accept this gray life of “stability”, with all you have to sacrifice to live in a world that doesn’t much feel worth living in at all.
- Option number two: You go off of your meds. Your moods may go all kinds of out of control, but you’ll at least be feeling something again.
So which do you choose? Which one of those is a worse future to knowingly condemn yourself to? And what if I told you that there was a third option?
Option three is to be medicated properly. You will lose your extreme mood states, but you won’t be flat. Life will still be as full and rich and beautiful as it ever was. Perhaps more so. This is the option I chose.
It isn’t as easy as all of that, of course. My God, to think about it, for me it took this strength I never would have thought I possessed. Strength, along with my personal brand of world-leveling stubbornness: no way in hell was I going to let mental illness win against me. But I do look back at the past six or seven years of my life and wonder at the fact that I am alive. I am alive, and I am happy to be alive. And next is the part where I tell you what I think was most crucial for me in getting here – at least the things that can be applied outside of my life particularly.
The first thing you need is the most difficult to find, and the easiest to lose. It is, put simply, the determination that you don’t deserve anything less than a happy, fulfilling life. You deserve not to live with a net. You cannot settle for a life where you are always watching and waiting for the other shoe to drop. You cannot settle, period.
I wrote a post on my personal blog almost six months ago. And it contained, for me, some of the most important words I have ever or will ever manage to string together.
That’s something else that changed for me. I’m not living my life in fear anymore. I’m not putting into place backup plans that are only marginally better than the state they would get me out of. Less miserable is still miserable and I refuse to live my life accepting the presence of that spectre. Un-uh. Not me. Not anymore. Not ever again.
Of course it does take more than just that determination. I know a lot of things vary for individuals, but for me it took the presence of a strong support system (my parents), excellent doctors who were willing and able to think outside of the treatment box (for me personally, way outside), and a great deal of really hard work and insight on my part.
I showed up at every single doctors’ appointment I had. No matter how bad things were. Sometimes I needed assistance getting to them (and I actually did three by phone), but no matter how f*cking depressed miserable verging on catatonia I was, I knew that there was only one way to improve that.
I called my psychiatrist every single time my moods were getting out of control, up or down, and as soon as I noticed. Of course no one wants to go down, but I realized that the ups weren’t a place I wanted to be, either. First of all, being a bystander to my own behavior when I was that completely out of control grew very tiresome. Second of all, I had the classic pattern of a down inescapably following an up. And the higher the up, the lower the down.
I also put my brain to use and became an expert on psychoactive medications. And I branched out from just psychoactive, because many of the pills I swallowed over the years didn’t qualify as such. But they all had an effect on me, and I now have a three-inch-thick binder filled with notes on them. I was never hesitant to be extremely vocal and ask endless questions about the medications I was taking. And if I forgot to ask or found a new question after my appointment, I called my doctor and asked it. I still will not swallow any pill without researching the crap out of it. And a happy little “side effect” of that fastidiousness is that I found at least one interaction (possibly more) not on the books that most definitely should have killed me.
But the primary effect of my work was finding the cocktail that suited, the particular mix of meds that was right for me. I didn’t get that from any one doctor. My psychiatrist may write the prescriptions, but I was the person who arrived on the medications, the dosage, and the frequency.
There’s more, if you aren’t feeling overloaded already. I can’t possibly condense everything that got me from then to now into a blog post. Probably there are a few things I couldn’t even put words around. But I think those are the most important elements that could be applied generally.
And if you think it sounds difficult, it was at least five times as hard as all that. And now, I have my basic medication cocktail, which I have to adjust based on what day of my menstrual cycle it is (stability in me unmasked a raging case of premenstrual dysphoric disorder, which actually has been remarkably easy to treat – chalk that one up to my knowledge of psychoactives), or even just the way I feel the wind inside of me blowing. Pills taken at six, two, and ten daily. And occasionally as needed in between.
Wow. That certainly doesn’t sound like anything I would ever aspire to, when I read it back. And it shouldn’t, because that’s not my life. It is a crucial, but from where I sit, pretty minor part. It’s the part that allows me to live my life.
And in that life there are still blissful, beautiful days of exuberance and ordinary perfection. Thomas Hardy and a good haircut can still have me dancing on air. A date with my girls has me swinging from the trees. And saddening life changes can still shatter my heart. The difference is, I have come to a place where I can keep moving while I mend it.
Moreover, everything that I went through to get here – the medications (and medication reactions), the talk and behavioral therapies, the horrifying electroconvulsive therapy and resultant post-traumatic stress disorder – I would go through every single bit of it again, just to get to where I am now. Which actually isn’t an ending at all. It’s just the beginning.
© Ruby Tuesday and A Canvas Of The Minds 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Ruby Tuesday and A Canvas Of The Minds with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
This is wonderful Ruby. I love it so much, I’ve run out of words. That doesn’t happen often. 😉
Well then I feel extremely, extremely special, Cate. Thank you. 🙂
I’m very pleased. That’s what I was hoping to get across (without the use of the words I lost). 😀
You did a good job of it. And I am extremely grateful for your non-words. 😉
Reblogged this on I Was Just Thinking. . . and commented:
A Canvas post on the ups and downs of life properly medicated, and how in Hell I ever found one.
I really LOVE beginnings…
I do, too. Sometimes the endings are necessary in life, but, “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”
I also get the premenstrual syndrome. I call it the Premenstrual Suicidal Syndrome (PMSS) hehe. I still think I haven’t gotten proper psychiatric care as far as “meds” go. I mean, I can’t even call my psychiatrist. But part of that is the system. I have not insurance and blah blah. It can be difficult with insurance, so yeah. Eventually, I want to get to a place where I’m not taking medications, and if I am, it’s very little and whatnot.
Love that you’re loving the world today.
I understand very well that another thing I have working in my favor is really excellent insurance. It gave me the ability to be incredibly selective with my doctors. But I’m a little shocked that you don’t even have some kind of on call crisis center you can reach.
As far as the PMDD, that is something else, WOW. It’s tears and rage at everything: people, movies, inanimate objects. Also high anxiety (gobbling Xanax), hyper-reactivity, headaches, exhaustion. . . Anyone who says it’s “a more severe form of PMS” deserves to be beaten repeatedly about the head. I’m just so very happy that I figured it out.
I understand your wish to not be on medications, ultimately. And obviously, it varies for each individual and each diagnosis. But for me, they make me so much happier and more functional. I am fully on board with taking them for the rest of my life. They have given me back my life, which was a lot the point of the post. Like I said, my life is not everyone’s life, but yes, there has been a lot of me loving life lately, and I know I wouldn’t be without my meds. 🙂
Oh, Ruby, this post warms my heart. I am so happy all your hard work to get to where you are has paid off, and I am sure this post will inspire many to keep plugging away until they find what works for them. I love that you’re loving the world. Even with all its faults, it’s a pretty great place!
You’re so sweet to be so happy for me. I hope this post helps people to understand that being medicated doesn’t have to be awful, and that it can still allow you the rich, wonderful life you had before. It may not be the easiest journey in the world, but it can be done, and it’s completely worth it. I hope you’re loving the world, too! 😀
I’ve been fortunate in that I’ve never felt that flattening effect from medications. Unbearable and disruptive side effects, sure, but I’ve still been able to feel. In fact, I’d say in some ways I’m more creative with the meds because they help me push through some barriers. I have had the experience before of feeling literally no emotion (right before/at the beginning of the big break), and I just know that it was so hellish that I’d prefer almost anything to it.
I’ve heard a lot of people object to meds because of the flattening effect or personality changes. For me, I don’t think they were personality changes so much so as other aspects of my personality coming out more strongly. And I would agree that if people feel a flattening effect, they’re not on the right meds. Sure, I’m not completely on the right meds myself, either, but I am not on any that produce a flattening effect, nor have I ever been.
There are studies and anecdotal cases frequently cited that say so many people feel their work improves when they are medicated, because they can focus on and actually finish the projects they start. I understand what you mean about the no emotion thing, and it is just awful. Flattening isn’t exactly the same, at least not generally. You still have some emotion, it’s just like someone put a very low ceiling and high basement on a structure that used to be vaulted, with catacombs running deep beneath.
Personality changes are tricky to address. I don’t believe that a medication can change your personality. I do believe it can alter how it is expressed, as you’ve said, but that is a different thing altogether.
I love that kind of beginnings!
Very best kind there are, if you ask me. 😉
This is beautiful Ruby xox
Aw, thank you, Sailor. I’m glad that you enjoyed it.
I never tolerated flat affect for long – it was clearly “wrong” to me. I’m feeling pretty good on my current cocktail, too, but after dozens of changes in only a couple years, I’m wary of trusting that it will last. But at least trying not to worry about it.
I figured I’m on the line of pretty good levels when I still get the occasional wave of “overemotional” reaction (it literally feels like my system is suddenly flooded with some chemical or other) but am experiencing only moments of it every so often, and not even every day. I’m usually doing pretty well just on the other side of that line, too, where the emotional floods really only show up during PMS, and I rather prefer that because it feels relatively controlled.
I don’t know if my PMS-like symptoms would count as PMDD, but they sure weren’t as obvious until meds evened me out (again) and were the main reason behind adding Zoloft and The Pill recently. Besides the nothing-works-everything-is-wrong dysfunctional tearful couple of days pre-period, it was causing self-injury urges during my period, and that’s not something I could allow to continue. Particularly during periods of time when I’m generally most impulsive, irritable, and more or less at the end of my rope. That seems to be much improved recently, but we’ll see how The Pill interacts with everything…
The times I did tolerate it, it was either because life had been such an incredible hell for me that anything that changed that must be a relief, or I was simply too doped up to notice – which I guess goes beyond the extreme and is no longer “flattening”.
It’s good that you’re in a good space and making an effort not to worry. I think that’s important, too. There is always an “if” factor: if my medication should no longer keep me stable, if a meteorite should wipe us all out. Is one more probable? Yes, but worrying about either is just as useful and effective.
I’m not qualified to diagnose PMDD (obviously), though I should write a post on my experiences with it. For me and for my mom, it is/was a pretty horrible, intense, violent, emotional thing. Even my dad knows it very well, because he had to live with my mom through nearly all the years of it, until she hit menopause. Because of course back when it first surfaced in her, it was less diagnosed, and the drugs they gave her were worse for her than the experience.
But it is so interesting what stability can unmask, things we thought were either normal, or just got confused in the mess of the illness. I hope the Pill is something that works for you. I know that going off of HBC contributed to things getting so much worse for me, and that it is commonly prescribed for PMDD, in conjunction with antidepressants, so fingers crossed you’ve got a good mix there.