Back in hospital

the qiuet borderline* Talk of self-harm and suicide *

So here I am, I’ve been back in the hospital for just under two weeks.

The BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), depression, insomnia and anxiety is extremely venemous. I can’t start to explain the turmoil I am going through. The constant death wishes, then the wanting to live moments. I am all over the place.

I was out of the hospital for two months after a 14 month long hospitalisation. (My first hospitalisation). This looks like it’s going to be a long fight and struggle. I’ve already been suffering with the major depression and anxiety for 14 months and throughout this process, it has been apparent that I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I’m 27 years old now and a lot of stuff has come up in therapy that I never told anyone about. Like the self-harming since I was 13 years old. This has been going on for longer than I realise.

My moods are all over the place. One minute I just start crying, then I’m crazy angry and about to get up and throw chairs across the day room, then I’m calm. BPD is an extremely difficult condition to live with. I’m in hospital for a few reasons 1. I wasn’t functioning in the rehabilitation program. Wasn’t eating properly, going to work etc 2. To try and get me more stable on medications and 3. So that I am in a saf(er) environment where my life is pretty much protected.

Before I came back to the hospital, I was very close to taking a box of Imovane sleeping pills. I felt like I couldn’t trust myself with my own life, always flirting with self-harm and suicide. I self-harmed 3 times in the space of a week and a half. It had been 9 months since I self-harmed and now I was coming back to it.

I decided that I would take a large amount of sleeping pills, simply take them all, go to sleep and never wake up. That was my wish. Nothing gory or messy.

Upon arriving back to the hospital just under 2 weeks ago, I realised that a young woman who I was hospitalised with for several months, wasn’t here any more. I inquired about her. I was told that she was suffering with depression and had said that she’d been feeling better for a while so they released her from the hospital. On that very day she was released, she climbed to the top of her apartment building and jumped. She killed herself. She was 27 years old, married with 3 young kids. What a pity. I miss her.

I can’t end up being one of the statistics of successful suicide attempts. That’s why I decided upon myself that I will return to the hospital. It’s difficult to see my future, I feel so trapped in this. I don’t know if there is hope for me. I refuse to live on much longer than this.

I think on Sunday, I will be put on a third medication so I’ll need to be here at least another 2-3 weeks to see if I’m more stable on it. Trying to have patience as much as possible but it’s wearing thin.

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18 thoughts on “Back in hospital

  1. You are so strong, and you are so brave. I know that it was a very difficult decision for you, choosing to go back to the hospital, but it makes me proud of you, and it also shows that you want to live, to fight. You may feel so weary, and like you cannot do this much longer, but I know that you can. Honestly, I am in awe of you. You are a survivor.

    Have faith that you can make it through and sort things out for good. Dealing with mental illness is almost never anything linear. You go forward, back, sometimes sideways and upside down, too. But, oh, my lovely, you are a light that shines brilliantly and refuses to go out, no matter how hopeless you feel. You illuminate your world, and the worlds of all those who know you, even just through reading your words.

    I am saying lots and lots of prayers for you.


  2. I must just say that I am along side with you in your struggles and hope and pray for your well-being and eventual happiness and a joy that you have not likely felt for a long time…Diane

    • Thank you Diane. I’ve been unhappy for a long time and it’s difficult to see my life anything differently.

      Thank you for your positive vibes and prayers.

  3. It sounds like you’ve decided to keep on with it. I’m proud. No joke. It’s not an easy decision to make, going on with treatment and making really long and hard strides for a healthy life. And I’m proud that you had the presence of mind to know that the hospital was the right choice for you. Many times, people cannot make that determination, and disaster follows. You are being so proactive. It’s really an inspiration.

    Keep on fighting the good fight. We’re with you.

    • Ah, thank you for the such kind words.

      I’m really trying to take in all of your positive and supportive words of advice.

      Thank you for being there for me.

  4. Sending you lots of love and healing vibes. I’m very happy that you chose the “high road” and put yourself in hospital rather than taking the “low road” out. Sometimes it’s the hardest thing to do, to “just” stay alive. Sometimes the only way I can justify staying alive myself is to think of all the people whose lives I would destroy if I suicided. So that gives me a reason to keep on putting one foot in front of the other, until I eventually reach a new plateau. Sometimes that lasts a satisfying while, sometimes it’s just a tipping point into somewhere else. I guess what I’m trying to say here is, if you hang on tight to life, you will end up in a different place than you are now. With the hard work you’re doing, it’s likely to be a much better place. Really. Hang in there, for the sake of yourself and those who love you.

    • Thank you Laura. I really appreciate it.

      I just keep thinking about my two baby nieces that would be left with no aunt (and no uncles). And I don’t think that my dad and sister could take it. It’d totally break them down, doubt they’d be able to live themselves.

      But the urges for the struggle to stop is so darn strong.

      • My girls kept me alive until I was able to live for myself, so I can understand. One thing I did was make myself a mini photo album (maybe a dozen pictures) filled with my favorite shots the most precious and important people in it. Pulling that out and looking through the faces, over and over, got me through some really dark hours.

        • Good idea. Funily enough, my sister visited me on Sunday at the hospital and she printed some pics off for me of my nieces and me and my sister as kids. I’m putting them up on my wall now.

  5. It’s hard to click “Like” on this, so hopefully you’ll get that it means I “like” that you got help before it was too late. And remember: If great things are always on the horizon, you’ll never see them if you’re always staring at your feet. Stay strong, and keep looking up. Much love.

    • Thank you for your kind words and for sending love to me. Back to you too 😉

      Trying my best to battle this and survive it.

      All the best.

  6. I’m glad you made the choice to take care of yourself. It sounds so difficult, but hey, from another point of view, you made it for 2 months out of hospital and hopefully next time it will be longer. One step at a time, you know?

    I can completely identify with seeing nothing to make the drudgery of days worthwhile. It’s also an opportunity, though – having something like a blank slate ahead of you (OK, not exactly blank, but you know what I mean) means you can lay out the direction of things to come, or at least dream up some dreams to grasp at. Easy enough to say, perhaps, but not so easy to do sometimes. You’ll find your way – I’m sure of it.

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