Back in hospital

the qiuet borderline* Talk of self-harm and suicide *

So here I am, I’ve been back in the hospital for just under two weeks.

The BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), depression, insomnia and anxiety is extremely venemous. I can’t start to explain the turmoil I am going through. The constant death wishes, then the wanting to live moments. I am all over the place. Continue reading


Riding the Crazy Meds Train

DeeDee newI started mood stabilizers in November 2011, and after about 2 months of adjustments, I felt better than I had in years – clear-headed, stable, and just more myself. Added to my existing cocktail of stimulants for ADHD and bupropion (Wellbutrin) for depression, it seemed like a minor concession to bipolar disorder, medication-wise.

Recently, however, I experienced a bout of depression that was fiercer and longer than I’ve experienced in quite awhile. Continue reading

Merci, Gracias, Danke, And Thanks

RubyIt’s awards season here at Canvas again.  And just because I have been slightly delinquent in posting our thank yous, doesn’t mean that I have forgotten for one moment, or that we are any less grateful.

So, in chronological order:

Silverfox was so kind as to nominate us for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award.  I would like to give my thanks properly, but I am sad to report that when I clicked on the link to the post, I found that the site has been deleted.  😦  But, Silverfox, if you are reading this, know how very grateful we are for you honoring us.  Merci beaucoup! Continue reading


photo (6)I can’t believe I haven’t written about my therapist yet. After all these years: we’ve been partners in this odd relationship since 1999 or so. On and off, but still. She’s seen me through some fearsome places. She tells me now how much better I am, and I believe her, because she’s been there for me when I wasn’t.

Back then around the turn of this latest century, I was a pretty busy humanoid indeed. I had just moved to beautiful Western North Carolina from even more beautiful Northern Utah, ostensibly because I wanted to spend more time with my father, who had just suffered a minor heart attack and got a stent for his trouble. Continue reading

Mental Differences In Children (June ‘Let’s Talk About’)

RubySo there was no Let’s Talk About for May, I know.  There were a lot of behind-the-scenes things happening (wonderful bloggers added, site makeover, ideas germinating), and it simply didn’t happen.  So to make sure we have something to talk about this month, I’m writing this up.

You’ll notice I used the term “mental differences.”  For those of you who know me, or who have read my blog or this one for any length of time, you know that I have an ambivalent relationship with the term “mental illness,” and thus “mental differences” was born. Continue reading

Executing The Mentally Ill

JamesThis is happening tomorrow by the way. A mentally ill man is being executed in Ohio. The story is here. The basis of the execution is that Abdul Awkal killed two people. As far as I can tell, he did not plead insanity. However, while in prison, he has been diagnosed with PTSD as well as Schizoaffective disorder. And the condition is recognized by the courts, only, not enough to warrant an appeal. And the biggest difficulty that I find in this case is that the diagnosing psychiatrist says that Abdul Awkal is so detached from reality that he does not know why he is being executed. If this is all true, then the state is executing someone who has no understanding of his crimes. Continue reading

Interactions with Mental Health Professionals

AngelThis topic stems from an idea that I had in relation to the post Be Your Own Advocate.

It’s something I occasionally allude to on my personal blog and in my comments on others’ blogs. Over the last two and a half years (has it really only been that long?), I’ve learned a lot about how to compose myself when discussing matters with other mental health professionals.

First, let’s go over my successive period of interactions with mental health professionals. Continue reading

Dissociative Identity Disorder, Splitting and Marmite

SailorWhen I joined Canvas I had just “come out” as having other personalities.  I’ve been researching them a lot, because I don’t understand why I do this, and research is helping me understand, so I would like to share, especially as there isn’t a lot of first hand experience out there.

I have two others who I consider different personalities to my own. One is called Charlotte, the other is Jack.  I also have the real me.  The real me who you might know as Sailor, but everyone in the “real world” knows as Carrie. Continue reading