What Brings Me Here

AlwaysWhen Ruby told me about this project, I have to admit I wasn’t very ready to jump in.  It’s been a long time since I blogged.  But the more we talked, and the more she explained to me about what she and Lulu were trying to do with this blog, the more my interest was piqued.

I don’t keep a blog anymore.  I keep a journal, but that’s because I like to keep my thoughts as my own.  But speaking about mental health is an important thing to do, for a variety of reasons.  There are the obvious ones – stigma and misconceptions and misunderstanding.  Staying silent on a topic cannot do anything but add to those.

But beyond that, I have my personal reasons.  I have Bipolar I and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Neither of these are static issues, they move and they change and they usually pop up when you are least prepared.  So I have learned to be constantly on my guard.  Read my page, Always, if you like, but the especially relevant part is this:  “I have perfected the ability to stand fixedly against and stare down any assailant, external or internal. My foundation has no cracks, and my degree of self-control is unmatched.”

That isn’t bullshit or idle boasting.  I worked hard so I would never be thrown for a loop.  I walked through Hell (capital H), I have experienced things most people only deal with in their worst nightmares.  Not even there.  I was beyond being suicidal for a while, I was so far gone.  Most people don’t get that concept, but my mind was so lost that you could have handed me a straight razor or put me on a bridge and I never would have made the connection between the means and the end.

I’m not entirely sure what my purpose is here.  I would very much like for it to be to help people find the tools to deal with what life throws their way, to help brace them up and teach them how to speak up and fight back, even if they are fighting something inside of themselves.  But everyone is wired differently, and so they need to discover what weapons work for them.

I’ll still do my best to help, though.


© Always and A Canvas Of The Minds 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Always and A Canvas Of The Minds with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


2 thoughts on “What Brings Me Here

  1. Thank you, Always, for being a contributor. It is strong, seasoned women like you that are helping me to find my voice when it comes to BP. It’s something that rules my private life because it has no place in my public life. I’m glad to have you here and I can’t wait to see your contributions!

    • Thank you, Luna, for including me in this. It’s a very interesting idea and I can’t wait to see how it develops. I am also very much looking forward to getting to know you better, Ruby has told me wonderful things about you!

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